Update

So it's been about 1.5 years since I posted last...and lots of changes have occurred since then, but some of the same patterns/stories have crept up.

I completed my 200 HR yoga teacher training and started to teach a weekly class, which has been such an empowering experience. It is an amazing feeling to be of service to so many people by sharing my knowledge and experience. There's so much I learn from my students and fellow teachers every week. I love it!

Work-wise, I built up another project - entered a new market, grew a capability by taking on some of the "bitch work" nobody wanted because I suspected that since it was a high visibility no-glory task something good could come out of it. The client and stakeholder community were satisfied and started to see my company in a better light. I on-boarded a support team and we focused on delivering what seemed to be the best bang for the buck.

At one point, I realized I needed help - I have limited software architecture knowledge, and I knew there was a growth opportunity that required that skillset so I convinced a senior colleague to join the project. At first I cluelessly thought things were going well...then later I realized that this colleague had complained about personality conflicts and other issues to senior leaders on the team (behind my back of course) and proceeded to tell me I had no vision, no strategy, do not understand other perspectives, etc. Furthermore, he told me i'm an introvert (which is fine, I'd be proud to be one, but the other 200 people who know me label me as an extrovert with introspective tendencies). Um, I'm sorry but if I had no vision or no strategy - why would I have onboarded you on to the project - clearly I knew we could grow in the architecture realm and expand our work! Yes, of course I can do a better job communicating my ideas in a way that lands for others...but that's different from "having no thoughts whatsoever." Then, this individual provided strongly negative feedback on my assessment and proceeded to complain to other senior leaders about me getting promoted.

What a jack ass! Anyway, I felt the earth shaking underneath my feet. How could I be so stupid and trusting - I brought in someone to complement my skill set and work with me. Not to erase all of my ideas - I expected some conflict/challenges and then thought we would define a middle ground together, but that was not the case. I know I had no other options - none of our other software architects were free, and either I had to give up growing this opportunity or find a technical partner in crime. I did not realize he had the attitude of is my way, or no way, apparently, and was a know-it-all -> no sense of his own strengths and weaknesses but incredibly be good at making others bad and pointing out their flaws.

And my tape started to play - I started to question myself, figure out what I did wrong, and got hurt. The worst part was this "agent of chaos" and his negative attitude permeated throughout the team so everyone started acted in this hostile/mistrusting way...and instead of supporting each other and collaborating - the walls were brought down and this attitude of me vs. you (my idea versus your idea, instead of combining ideas) crept throughout...so in my head, my old tape of "me vs the world" started to play again, instead of just seeing the situation for what it was.

Fortunately, in the past two months I regained my grounding and emotionally let go of that situation. I rolled off the project and now have the opportunity to create something new again, which I love doing. Except this time, when these sorts of issues come up again, I do not want to replay this tape! I made the best decision I could, and yes things didn't go the way I wanted them to, but that's ok. I will not stop moving forward.